


The Emperor's House

by orphan_account



Category: Warhammer 40.000
Genre: Gen, Parody, Sillyhammer 40k
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-30
Updated: 2013-12-30
Packaged: 2018-01-06 18:51:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1110317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Emperor (of the house) is out for the day.  Eighteen teenage primarchs are left without supervision.  What could go wrong?</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Emperor's House

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, this fic contains the word 'camcorder.' Yes, this fic was first written aeons ago. If you don't know what it is, look it up. 
> 
> And get off my lawn. =][=

## The Emperor's House

He threw the last suitcase into the trunk and slammed it. "I'll be back Sunday night," He said to the gathered crowd. "So behave yourselves."

"Yes, Dad," they all chorused, some more reluctantly than others. 

He opened the driver's side door and stopped. "Which one of you is doing the laundry this weekend?"

Sanguinius took a giant step back and shoved Mortarion forward. Before the sacrificial offering could even say "what the fuck?!" their Dad nodded.

"Alright Mortarion," He said with a bit of a smile. "I'm glad to see you're not shirking this time."

Mortarion scowled and promised himself he'd pound that pansy angel into a pulp first chance he got.

The Emperor slid into His seat and rolled His window down as He started the car. "And Roboute?"

The blue-clad boy stepped forward. "Yes Dad?" 

"Don't forget your school project." 

Roboute beamed. "I won't. I'm almost done." Behind him, Konrad caught Horus' eye and began making an obscene gesture. Horus snickered.

"And Horus!" 

Horus snapped to. "Yeah?" 

"You're the oldest, so I expect you to watch out for everyone, got it?" 

Horus slapped an earnest expression on his face. "Got it!" 

He put the car in reverse and backed out of the driveway as they all waved. The moment he was out of sight, seventeen of them dashed back into the house, leaving Mortarion to his laundering fate.

\---------------------- 

Corax leaned forward, his eyes narrowing to thin slits, his fingers rapidly dancing over the controller as he muttered to himself. "Oh, you VC nearly pulled it out this time," he said to the screen, "but you just can't compete with a strategic claymore mine, can you?"

That was when Angron opened the room's door with a kick. "Time's up!" he announced.

Corax didn't take his eyes off the screen. "Almost done," he stage-whispered. 

Angron shoved him. "We agreed on two hours. Come on, time's up." 

Corax still didn't turn to face him. "Just one more minute, I'm so close I can taste it..."

Angron turned and switched off the PS2. 

Corax leaped up screaming, "YOU FUCKER! YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! I WAS SO FUCKING CLOSE!"

"Your time was up," Angron said as he ejected the disc and replaced it. 

Corax came within an inch of decking his younger brother, then decided it wasn't worth it. Still hot under the collar, he stormed out of the room as the opening theme of Mortal Kombat: Deception began to play.

Angron grabbed the controller and plunked down at the edge of the bed, exactly where Corax had been a moment ago. He skipped through the opening sequence and went right to the character screen, selecting Baraka without even hesitating. "Alright, let's get the blood flying!" he said as his game started.

\----------------------- 

Magnus studied his Astrology for Beginners book carefully. "Let's see," he muttered to himself. "Jupiter and Saturn move through Orion," he paused and scribbled that down "and Mercury is...here..." He trailed off and rubbed his single eye. This shit was tough. He opened the yellow Horoscopes for Dummies book and thumbed through it. "So Taurus is short-tempered and Aquarius is..." He frowned. "Corax and Angron are going to get into a fight sometime this week," he announced to himself.

As if cued, Corax stomped past Magnus' door muttering "Fucking Angron." 

Magnus blinked and a huge grin split his face. "Wow! This stuff really works!" 

Ten minutes later, he had predicted his own death by strangulation and decided to spend the rest of the day hiding under the bed.

\--------------------------- 

Konrad leaned into the open hood of the Jaguar and watched his brother working from his position on the floor. "So what're you doing?" he asked.

"Replacing the air filter," Vulkan said with a grunt. "Then I gotta give these pipes a cleaning."

"Is this the one you put the subwoofers in?" 

"No, that's the Mustang," Vulkan said. "This one's still stuck with the system we got with it. Which reminds me."

"Yeah?" 

"When I'm finished, I want to put the CD player in this one. We can sell the cassette deck."

Konrad watched Vulkan work for a few more moments, then brought one leg up and carefully smashed it down on Vulkan's ankle.

The self-made mechanic screeched and tried to sit up, only to slam his head into the bottom of the Jag's engine. Uttering a nonstop string of curses, he pulled himself out from under the car and hobbled to his feet to see Konrad doubled up with laughter. "What the hell was that for, asshole?" he spat.

"Sorry," Konrad said between chuckles. "You looked entirely too peaceful." 

Vulkan grabbed a wrench he'd left on top of the engine. "Come here, and I'll give you some peace," he said darkly.

\---------------------- 

Lorgar grumbled some dark blasphemy as he and Ferrus cleaned up the dishes left from lunch. "Fucking Sanguinius," he muttered. "Makes himself a fucking buffet on a plate and doesn't even eat half of it. Hey!" he yelled at the retreating form. "Are you anorexic or what?"

"Fuck off!" came the reply. 

Ferrus dumped his armload onto the counter. "I ate all of mine," he said. 

"Good for you, dumbshit," Lorgar grunted without thinking. 

Ferrus' brow furrowed. "What'd you call me?" 

Lorgar felt his stomach wrench as he tilted his head back to look Ferrus in the eyes and grinned. "Nothing!" he said, a little too brightly. "Nothing!" Mentally smacking himself for shooting his mouth off to the big guy, Lorgar threw his plates into the sink and dumped the remaining food in the trash.

"See ya," Ferrus said. 

Lorgar spun. "Hey, you can't leave me to do all this by myself!" 

"But it's your turn. Roboute said so." 

Fuck, Lorgar thought. "Oh come on, you know Roboute always tries to shove this off on me," he said.

"He does?" 

"Duh! He hates doing dishes, but there's something he doesn't realize." 

"What?" 

Lorgar smiled as he warmed to his theme. "Doing dishes is really important." 

"It is?" 

"Well, what would we eat off of if we didn't have clean dishes?" 

"Oh. I didn't think of that." 

"Yeah, nobody realizes how important it is." He leaned over to glance around the bigger Ferrus. "Isn't that right?" he said to the youngest member of the family, who happened to be passing through.

"Absolutely," Alpharius replied without hesitation. "In fact, it's so important, I think you should be the one trusted with them." He promptly breezed out the opposite side of the kitchen.

"See?" Lorgar said. "Even Alpharius thinks you should do the dishes." 

"Oh, I guess I'd better get started then," Ferrus said as he turned to the sink.

"Right, right, well, catch ya later," Lorgar said with a smirk as he triumphantly walked away. "Sucker."

"Huh?" 

"NOTHING!" 

\----------------------- 

"Next, on the History Channel..." 

Roboute ignored the rest of the sentence as he belched and crushed the can of Coke he'd been holding. Spread out on the desk before him he his papers, some typed, some handwritten. His school project certainly required a lot of research, which was why he was stuck in the den watching the History Channel while everyone else got to run amok. He could hear Lorgar yelling something from the kitchen and Sanguinius' answer, but he ignored them as he picked up his pen and began furiously scribbling across the blank sheet right in front of him, trying to get the most out of his sugar rush.

That was when Fulgrim slunk inside, chatting on his cell phone. "No, of course not," he was saying in a fawning tone. Roboute looked up, irritated, but Fulgrim waved him off. "I'll just be a sec," he whispered. Roboute shook his head and went back to his work. "I love ya, babe, I really do," Fulgrim went back to saying. "No, honest, I wanna take you out tonight. Dinner at six, my treat. No, no, I'm not dating her." Fulgrim's false smile suddenly vanished. "Who told you that?"

Roboute smirked and mimed putting a gun to his head. 

Fulgrim recovered quickly. "Yeah, I did, but that was a while ago," he said smoothly. "That's over now, honest. She doesn't even compare to you. Yes, I'm being honest. Really. Okay, sweet thing, I'll see you tonight."

Fulgrim flipped up the phone hand raised his fists over his head. "Victory!" 

"So, exactly how many girls are you dating now?" Roboute asked. 

"Eight," Fulgrim said proudly. 

"And how long do you think you can keep it up?" 

Fulgrim winked. "As long as I can, bro, as long as I can." He leaned over Roboute's shoulder and looked at his writing. "Man, you're serious about this."

"Of course I am," Roboute said proudly. "Someday, my work is going to get my name into the history books."

"Right," Fulgrim said absently. He pointed at one page. "Add loyalty," he suggested.

Roboute blinked. "Hey, good idea." 

"So, how long are you gonna work on this?" 

Roboute shrugged. "Probably the rest of the night." 

Fulgrim shook his head. "Oh, Robby, Robby, Robby, when are you gonna get a life?"

"Huh?" 

"You gotta find a girl, man. Hey, I can call one of my old flames and get you a setup-"

Roboute rolled his eyes. "I'll pass, thanks." 

"Come on, she'll put out for damn near any-" 

"Out! Out!" 

\---------------------- 

Jaghatai perched atop the wooden ramp. "OK, start the camera!" he said. 

Rogal shook his head. "This is a dumb idea," he said. "Will you at least put on a helmet?"

"Just start the damn camera! I can't keep this bike steady forever, you know!" 

Rogal sighed. "I claim no responsibility for this," he muttered as he brought the camcorder up to his face. "OK, it's running."

Jaghatai took a deep breath. "Heeeeeeeyyyyyyaaaaaa!" he shouted as he shoved off from the top of the ramp. His mountain bike plunged almost straight down the wooden ramp he'd built that morning. As he felt the wind on him, his heart raced and he felt himself tingle all over. Oh yeah. This was what biking was all about. The rush.

His bike reached the bottom of the half-pipe and began to go up the other side when a board came loose. Instead of following the curve upwards, the bike slammed straight into the face, throwing Jaghatai out of the seat and right into the wall. He slammed his forehead, his nose, his knuckles, his knees, and his toes into the wood all at once, while his crotch jammed itself into the handlebar of his bike.

As the daredevil toppled over, Rogal dropped the camera and dashed towards him, yelling his name. Jaghatai flopped onto the ground and Rogal knelt beside him, only to look up as laughter reached his ears. Twenty feet away, Perturabo was laughing so hysterically he could barely stand. "Oh man," he was saying between gales of laughter. "Did you see that? Did you see that? Right down and then BAM!" He fell to his knees, nearly crying now.

Rogal scowled and looked down as Jaghatai blinked himself back to reality. "Are you alright?" he asked.

Jaghatai thought for a moment, then said, "Yeah. I feel great." Perturabo found something new to laugh about as Rogal helped the mad biker stand.

"Will you quit being such a dick?" Rogal snapped. 

Perturabo waved the comment away and tottered to his feet, still giggling madly. "Oh man, that's the best thing I've seen all month," he said weakly. Then, he suddenly stood bolt upright. "And it's all on tape!"

"Oh, no you don't!" Rogal shouted as Perturabo leaped for the fallen camcorder. Perturabo got there first, but Rogal leapt on top of him and wrestled the recorder away. "This stays out of your grubby little paws," he said firmly.

Perturabo stood and stuck his hands in his pockets. "Fine," he said crossly, and stomped away. As he did so, he stomped a little too close to the marigolds Rogal had planted last week.

"You bastard!" 

\-------------------- 

El'Jonson had planned on having a quiet weekend, far away from the others. So far, things were looking up. He lay on his stomach on his bed, watching the Nature Channel on TV while absent-mindedly petting his pet cat, Lion. The big tabby was enjoying the attention and purring up a storm.

Leman walked in through the door and flopped down beside the bed without even a hello. Had it been anyone else, Jonson would've thrown them the hell out, but he and Leman had an understanding. "What'cha watching?" he asked.

"Lion versus croc, who would win?" 

Leman thought about it. As he was thinking, his two dogs came in, following his scent. Wolf and Loupe, an Eskimo dog and an Alaskan Husky respectively, crept in and curled up on either side of Leman. "Croc," he finally said. "It's a lot bigger and stronger."

"Yeah, but a cat is faster and smarter," Jonson said. 

"Bet you twenty bucks." 

"You haven't got twenty bucks." 

Leman pulled out his wallet and counted out twenty. "There." 

Jonson slapped his own down on top of it. "You're on." 

They watched to the end of the program. 

"I'll take my money now," Leman said smugly. 

"Bullshit! That was totally bullshit!" Jonson said, infuriated. "First off, no croc would be smart enough to circle like that, and second, no lion would be dumb enough to just stand there and wait!"

"Too bad, so sad, case closed," Leman said as he filed the bills away. Jonson fumed.

"Figures. Fucking figures," he muttered. 

Leman elbowed him in the ribs. "Come on, let's go bug Magnus. Then you'll feel better." As they walked out, Leman noticed something resembling a streak of light heading for one of the rooms down the hall. Before he could say anything, Alpharius was gone. Leman shook his head. It seemed like that was about all he ever saw of his youngest brother these days.

\------------------- 

Horus sat at his computer, one hand hovering over the mouse. He scowled as a 404 page came up. Google had been turning up a lot of dead pages recently. He clicked back and scanned the listings for anything that looked promising. "Sons of Satan," "Apocalypse Order," "Judgment Kings," "The Rapturous"...hmmm, that one looked interesting. Horus clicked it.

After a few moments, Horus decided this one looked promising. The site was easy on the eyes – a black background with gray text – and the site itself was easy to navigate. As to the content...Horus had seen dumber groups. He grinned briefly at the memory of the High Church. When he'd left that particular bunch, 98% of the IQ had left with him.

Horus found the email for the member who ran the site and brought it up. He started composing a message, but a voice from downstairs interrupted him.

"Horus?" 

"Yeah?" he yelled back. 

"Mortarion is trying to stuff Sanguinius into the washing machine!" 

"Well, tell him to cut it out or I'll beat him upside the head!" 

Horus turned back to his screen and resumed typing, but was interrupted again. 

"Horus?" 

"What is it?" he yelled, annoyed. 

"Perturabo is stomping on my flowers!" 

"Then smack him with a baseball bat or something, I don't care!" Irked, Horus prepared to resume his email, but barely had he begun to tap the keys when he was interrupted a third time.

"Horus?" 

"What?!" 

"Leman bit Magnus on the ear again!" 

"Then pry him off and get a fucking bandage! Do I have to do everything myself?"

Horus didn't even have enough time to tap a single key before the next voice arose.

"Horus?" 

"WHAT?!" 

"Will you tell Fulgrim to let me do my work and stop trying to get me a girlfriend?"

"FULGRIM, LEAVE HIM THE FUCK ALONE!" 

"Horus?" 

"WHAT IS IT?!" 

"Corax just broke one of the Playstation controllers!" 

"It's not my fault he ducked!" 

"BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP AND GO OUTSIDE FOR ONCE!" 

"Horus?" 

"WHAT NOW?!" 

"Ferrus forgot to separate the glasses in the dishwasher and now they're all broken!"

"IT WAS YOUR TURN TO DO THE DISHES, YOU JACKASS!" 

"I was busy with...stuff!" 

"FINE, I'LL BE DOWN IN A MINUTE!" 

"Horus!" 

"MOTHERFUCKING WHAT?! 

"Vulkan's beating on Konrad with a big wrench...I think we're gonna need some carpet cleaner!"

"CAN'T I LEAVE YOU ASSHOLES ALONE FOR FIVE FUCKING SECONDS?!" He growled in irritation. "FINE, I'LL BE RIGHT DOWN!"

He turned back to his comp and sighed deeply. "And the old man wonders why I'm such a loner," he muttered to himself. He cleared his history folder – Dad wouldn't be too happy if he discovered his little hobby – and flicked off the browser. With that, he got out of his chair and stomped towards the door. Once that was done, he stomped down the hall. Then down the stairs. The ones lucky enough to see him coming managed to scatter. The ones who didn't ended up going to the store for carpet cleaner, new glassware, and more bandages. It was a trip that ended up being an adventure in itself, but that's another story. For now, suffice to say that Horus got everything back together in typical iron-fisted fashion. And when all was said and done, the last person to be dealt with was a certain angel-winged goody-goody.

"Sanguinius," Horus growled. "If one word, one fucking word, of what happened here today squeaks out, I will snap your neck, beat you to death, burn you alive, then make the rest of your life a living hell. I'm not too sure of how I'll manage all of them...but I will find a way!"

Sanguinius nodded rapidly as he tried to free himself from Horus' grip. "Right, right, got it, got it," he said as quickly as his mouth would allow.

\------------------------- 

Alpharius curled up on his bed and hugged his teddy bear to his chest. "Why does Dad think everyone else is more important than me?" he whimpered.

He had issues to deal with.


End file.
